My shuffled mix.

So this is kind of fun. You open up itunes (or whatever lame player you're using) and hit shuffle and write down the first 10 songs that play.

Here's mine:
1. "take the fifth" by Spoon
2. "Hold on, hold on" Neko Case
3. "his truth is marching on " by Mike Doughty
4. "Hombre" M.I.A.
5. "I" Andrew Bird
6. "Fight Test" Flaming Lips
7. "True Religion" The duhks
8. "Climbing up the walls" radiohead
9. "How High the moon" Dianne Reeves
10. "Stylin'" Foxxy Brown

Missouri Loves company

Well, I just got back from my first trip to Columbia in quite some time. It was so strange being back. I, of course, miss all of my friends from there, but it's kind of sad to see that people change. I've always hated change. Even though it's an inevitable part of life, I avoid it at all costs.

Needless to say, people change. We move on, we adapt and you can't do much to stop it.

In other news, I think I may start looking for a different job soon. I like my employer. I like the work I do but the pay is abysmal. I simply have too much debt and living in the city is too expensive to continue my tenure here much longer.

I guess money has been on my mind a lot lately because it's a problem. When I am short on it, it's all I think about. For example, my friend from college is getting married in St. Louis at the end of September. That means I need to get a gift (about $100), a hotel room (who knows how much) and pay for travel ($100 in gas, approx). In order to travel I need to get car repairs (about $800... don't ask). In november I have car insurance due-- that's a lot of money. With my income, I just don't have enough to cover that. I've already told myself that I have to buckle down and not go out, not spend money and make this happen. I can be boring for two months, right? We'll see. I have a terribly hard time saying no to things. Pizza, drinks, concerts, movies, dinner. But I've got to, because I can't keep putting off paying down my debts. Whoever invented credit cards is an evil genious.

So about my job, I think I'm going to start looking in PR again. Media is interesting, if a bit dry at times. I'm not sure that I can see myself check post logs and buy specs for the rest of my life. Plus with Tivo threatening the value of broadcast buys, who knows if there will even be media buyers like there are now in 10-15 years.

PR was always my passion in college. It's what I wanted to do and somehow I let my desperation for a job threaten that. I brief but important gchat with my friend Julie reminded me that I did, at one point, love PR and thought of work in no other field. Now I just have to find an agency that I can convince that to. Although, I can already think of one place I will not be applying.

America, you're a big girl now. A big fat, greedy, bitchy, selfish girl.

Happy birthday USA! Wow, I remember when you were 210 years old and my grandma and I listened to Ray Charles sing America the beautiful while the pretend bombs blew up in the air. Those were the days. Ok enough nostalgia. America, you've got a problem that needs to be addressed. You are unable to make good decisions. I mean, the oil problem-- you just can't seem to get off the sauce. You're in debt up to your ass and you keep charging. Also, America, are you on your rag? Because you have been raging against the world like my mom on a cleaning rampage shouting about what "fucking pigs" we all are. I'm just wondering. Hopefully, you can work through some of these issues. You need to or you're going to be 4000 pounds, homeless and have creditors on your back. Maybe you should get a job at Heavenly Bodies and start paying some of that shit down. Sorry, girl. I'm just trying to help. Don't start crying. You ALWAYS do this. You ask me what I think and I tell you and you start crying because you're drunk.

Ok, enough of that conversation with America. I was told today by several people that I don't update my blog enough. I had no idea anyone was even paying attention. So, I'll try to be better about updating my blog. I promise, Pat.

I had a lovely bar-b-que today. It went really well. Several groups converged at my house. Enjoyed some hamburgers, italian sausages, hot dogs, and delicious veggie kabobs (thanks Jen). Also, my ad-hoc potato salad was a hit. Honestly I just added what I thought belonged in potato salad and people loved it. Apparently rats and dead babies go in potato salad... who knew?

Also, I know what it sounds like to live in a war zone. Literally everyone in this neighborhood was lighting off fireworks. It was symphonic and frightening at the same time.

Madgetasitc

So, there I was with my terrible $55 Madonna tickets. $55 is a lot of money for a concert... for me at least. And I had the worst seats in the house. They were basically behind the stage. Ashley and I walk in, they scan our tickets and the scanner makes this strange beeping noise. The angry black lady like I've seen on TV tells us we have to go over to this other table and talk to them about our tickets. I get nervous.

"We are not seating people in this section," the girl sitting at said table informs us. "We have to seat you in a different section. Your new section is section 6, row 6 seats 1 and 2."

That's right, I got transferred from the nose-bleed seats to floor seats! 'shley and I were at the end of the runway, about 20 feet away from Madge. And it was amazing. Ahh, Madge, whadaya do to me?

Fare thee well cigarettes

Well, this is big, but I had a revelation when I came out of the Spaulding exit of the Blue Line L stop today. I walked up teh stairs and was out of breath. Not panting and gasping for air... but still a bit winded. To me that's not normal. At 24 I should be able to go up a flight of stairs without being winded.

Monday starts a new week in the advertising world. The broadcast calendar starts on a Monday... not a Sunday, like you weirdos in the real world. Also, the month of June starts on May 29... but that's for another time.

This week I'm quitting smoking. And I'm holding myself to it this time. It's going to be difficult and painful and hard to stick to. And I'm really going to want to smoke. But, this has gone on long enough.

I realized the other day that given my family's medical history, I can't rely on good genes to keep me healthy. I've got an uphill battle ahead of me, but I'm not a rebelious 17 year old anymore. I'm a 24 year old who can't go up a flight of stairs without thinking he's going to pass out.

randomunendingneverstoppingsentences.

I worry that I've lost my creative sensibilities. I have a lot of friends who write. And I think that's great. But I get a little bitter when I hear them talk about it or when I see an actual manuscript. I have no patience or attention span with which to write.

I used to fancy myself a creative person only I'm not so sure why I ever really thought that now. I can't seem to get truly creative thoughts out of my head and on paper. Not more than a couple sentences at least.

I think everyone knows about my book that I've been perpetually writing and deleting. I honestly think I have a creative and very workable idea. I certainly have a unique outlook on life. What I lack is the motivation to sit down and write it. I can't get thoughts out in an organized manner. Much like this blog entry, I start writing it and I have no idea where it goes.

I, personally, blame my education. Journalism teaches you to boil down what you're trying to say to it's most essential words. More words= wasted paper, wasted broadcast time, lost money and time. I spent 4 years boiling down flowery prose to a headline, a tag-line, a big idea, a unique selling proposition, etc. And now I feel like I've gotten to this point where I can't expound upon ideas. I can't unpackage thoughts and feelings and ideas I have and turn them into a creative expression.

What's happened to me?

Good better best, never let it rest.

I've decided a goal that I want to work dilligently toward is keeping my finances in check. Suze Orman had definitely motivated me to do so. I just made all my payments, balanced my checkbook and dried my eyes at just how little money I have. Tear. And to make matters worse, when I get paid next, I have to then pay car insurance (yuck), then wait until my next paycheck, fix my car (sick), then pay rent, student loans, credit cards... and that's before I even do ANYTHING fun.

Oh well, I just have to buckle down for a few months and get things paid for... then, the world is my oyster.